Thursday, June 21, 2007

What is Sexy Food

Montenegro is going to be a steak house. There are none in Monterrey, although the people here claim to be "carniveros", there are no options other than the standard "carne asada' joints like El Gaucho and Las Pampas. Montenegro has to offer cuts...options like Kobe, Wagyu, and CAB. Yea, I know that Kobe is Wagyu, but Wagyu does not mean Kobe...OK? So let's call it Texas Wagyu just to avoid any confusion.
Montenegro is me, Goyo, and Jorge Urena. Jorge is Tanaka. Tanaka is sushi, so we have to do fish. It's just too easy, and besides, Monterrey's best sea food is Muelle 17 (heap and cheap). Nobody is doing fine seafood. I think we'll skip the live urchin app though. Also, there have be bars. Not just one bar, three, and that food has to be sexy. Luis de Casas (Nobu) says "sexy sexy sexy" That's like "location location location". We can do sexy food, right? Is beef carpaccio sexy? What is sexy food?
I think popsicles can be sexy, obviously whipped cream or just any dessert. "Sexy" is food that you can look cool while eating, and that means no knife and fork shit, no sauces that drip on your D&G garmet. Sushi is sexy. Chop stiks can be... spoons are for sure. Smells are too! Truffle smells like sex. We call it "sex" in the kitchen at XBox. Figs are sexy. Flames are sexy too. Things that come with drinks are good for obvious reasons.
Here is a list of Sexy Foods from Food and Wine magazine and some comments of mine regarding each: Chocolate mousse (excellent start but "mousse" isn't sexy, I mean the word "mousse"), Lobster Avocado Salad (the lobster should warm and juicy), Candied Rose Petals (this is kitchy and valentines dayish, try not to fall into the trap of thinking that because flowers make a good gifts then they are also good to eat, they are not), chilled Capelini with Clams and Caviar (YES caviar is sexy for sure), Spice Seared Shrimp (spicy is sexy), Asparagus and oyster mushroom fricassee ("fricassee"???...sorry, why not put a goulash in the list), Artichoke and goat cheese agnolotti with truffles (good, but serve the agnolotti on skewers with serveral sauces), Arugula and Pea Shoot Slad with Smoked Salmon (I wonder about fish and if it's sexy or not...like, do you really see yourself kissing someone after eating a big slice of lox?), Chocolate souffle sunday (good, but it's like an olympic diver getting a 10 for a cannonball, the degree of difficulty is just not there), Escargots in Herb Cream (nice, snails, I with you), Golden Strawberry Gratins (no good strawberries in Monterrey), Lobster Salad (what??? didn't we see this before?), Roasted Artichoke-Stuffed Artichoke (sorry, artichokes are great but no wine pair), Banana Tartlets (bananas are a great phallic symbol. Make sure they are not slice into wheels), Crab and Lemon Thyme souffles (Excellent!), French Scrambled Eggs With Truffle Oil (NO Way!), Honey Baked Figs with Ice Cream (too easy), Mussles in Nasturtium Broth (Nasturtium! Your trying to hard dude), Raspberry Custard Tart (easy), Chilled Asparagus with Crab Vinaigrette (wine? I mean asparagus? why always asparaus? Because it's phallic?), Lobster Bisque with Armagnac (sophisticated, expensive, simple, sounds good, rich, creamy) Almond Ricotta Tortellini with Truffle Butter (good, but there's allot of Italian food on the menu allready), Smoked Salmon and Leek Tartlets, Flourless Chocolate-Almond Cakes (oooey-gooey choclate, you can't call this "flourless", it just doesn't sound right. How about "molten"), Scallops Wrapped in Kaffir Lime Leaves (yep), Penne with Asparagus and Artichokes (DID EVERYBODY READ THE SAME LIST OF "SEXY" INGREDIENTS OR WHAT? get out with the ASS-para-GUS and the CHOKE already!!!), Strawberry Tart, Steamed Oysters and Oyster Broth (warm poached belon oyster...good), Fresh figs and Plums in Manzanilla (good! Say the words that make me imagine the way it's going to smell!), Vanilla bean Cheesecake with Walnut Crust (add "warm" to the description and your there), Velvety Leek Soup (yep), Zabaglioni with Strawberries (OK), Warm Chocolate Souffå@ Tarts (Fleming, gotta love her)), Asparagus Glazed with White Truffle Fondue (Sorry, I just can't eat another one), Coconut Crab Cocktail (Yes!), Toasted Bread and Bittersweet Chocolate (good, I like simple...complicated is not sexy), Chicken with port and figs (sorry, chicken with a sloppy sauce is not there), Pomegranate-fennel salad (OK), Truffle infused French Onion Soup (Oh Yes) and Cherries poached in Red Wine with Marscapone Cream (good).
I don't think asparagus is sexy...GUS, GUS ASS-GUS...nope. Artichoke either, although choking...not going there. Niether goes with wine and if you can't have wine with it, then it's not sexy. Also Desserts, thats too easy, Strawberries!...come on! It's a cliché FCS. Sexy is not the same thing as romantic. Sexy is Angelina Jolie. You want to put her in white button down men's shirt (simple), or dress her up in something elegant and very intimidating...stilletos, black, silk, cashmere, metal studs, leather. Avoid, bunny fur, and denim. Assesories are pearls or diamonds. Gold is too easy, she is platinum. Please no costume shit.
How come there was no sushi in this list? Sushi can be very sexy.
From Epicurios I found: Baked Oysters with Bacon and Leeks (don't say "baked", it sound like granny made it), Caramel-Drak Chocolate Truffles with Fleur de Sel (Salt?), Chocolate Heart Layer Cake with Chocolate-Cinnamon Mousse (chocolate-cinnamon-mousse-cake...good, skip the hokey heart shape OK?), Filet Mignon with Truffled Mushroom Ragout (Sorry, "rag-out" is never sexy! RAG? come on!), Foie Gras and Cream Eggs ("GET IN MY BELLY!"), Glazed Raspberry Heart Scones (Hearts are not sexy, just hokey), Gruyere Fondue with Carmelized Shallots (OK, sitting by a fire in some mountain ski lodge on a bear skin rug), Pan roasted Sizzling Shrimp (TRY "SMOKIN'"), Persian Love Cake (OK, THIS IS JUST OVER THE TOP), Roasted Beet Soup with Creme Fråiche.
I am going to sift through these sexy dishes in the next post.

21 comments:

LeslieCoons said...

Hello Tyson, (and Graciela & kids)!

Hmm, sexy food? Cool topic. How about roasted or grilled oysters? Actually I think a big bowl of mussels to share, served with a really good bread and with a nice Riesling, is a very sexy meal.

The rhubarb, strawberries and lavender are all out in Red Hook. I made a crisp from the above 3 ingredients last week.

I've sent Franca a link, let's see how long it takes her to get over here.

Leslie (Emily's mom)

tyson said...

Leslie, of course WE rememder you and Jeff. Actually, Cherry rememded me, but that counts too. Send me an email: tyson01mx@yahoo.com.mx

tyson said...

Roasted
Grilled
poached
oysters
mussels

It's good that you say that! Cherry doesn't think their sexy. I do. She says that men think their sexy because they smell like women. She say men smell like clorox. I suggested Gari, you know, pickled ginger root. I think women DO smell like truflles. Maybe I should a dish with both. Truffle infused ginger with some kind of gastique, but the gastrique would be made from that vinegar from the jar of the gari. I don't even know if ginger will take truffle. You could definitely shave it over the top of it. You could juice the ginger and soak the truffle and get infused ginger juice, make a vinaigrette out of it then dress a lobster salad with it. That's a salad!!!
Warm Butter Poached Lobster Salad with Truffle-Ginger Vinaigrette. I like the "warm butter paoched" part. Something needs to be fried though.
Or, Grilled Berkshire Baby Back Ribs Glazed in Ginger Gastrique served with Truffled Montenegro Fried Potatoes. Montenegro Fried Potatoes would be fried twice, once with corn oil at 350, then with duck fat at 375. They're special.
Papaya smells like gari or clorox to me as well. You could just do Papaya and Truffle with a Balsamic reduction.
Galzing something with a ginger gastrique and shaving truffle onto it. Could be a meat, or friut or veg...OK, a sausage...A KIELBASA!!! It's a Ginger Glazed Keilbasa with Shaved Truffle Mini Hot Dog!
Maybe Crispy Fried Ginger with vinager, salt and truffle. You think Lay's would buy that?

Carl Stephen Rynecki said...

Hi Tyson,

It is wonderful to hear you and Cherry are doing well. I hope the Montenegro Steakhouse is now a reality. My best to all.
Carl Rynecki

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